Just Give Me A Second, Darling (To Clear My Head)
by WrittenConstellations
Summary: "I'll tell you what's wrong," he bites out, "I should have left you in that god damned hospital. I should have gotten out of there the moment I could have. My biggest regret is not lettin' you die that day."


**My second TLOU fic in a week, holy crap! Man, this one really got out of hand. It was a lot longer than I expected it to be, so I'm actually going to be writing it in two parts. The second chapter will come soon, I promise!**

**As always, a huge thanks to my readers here on AO3, on Tumblr, and on . I couldn't do it without you guys.**

**Dedicated (again, as always) To Luciferine, who inspired me to take a leap of faith and try my hand at Ellie/Joel. I probably wouldn't be writing this right now if it weren't for her.**

**Now then, a few warnings: **_**This is not implied Ellie/Joel, like my last fic. As in, there is romance between the two of them.**_** Of course if you're not fond of the pairing, you can stop here if you'd like to. I won't judge, promise.**

**another note: You don't necessarily have to read the first fic of the series (You Could Still Be) to understand this one, but their conversation is referenced and it's also why Ellie is no longer angry at Joel.**

**Title is derived from Unfinished Business by Mumford & Sons.**

**Without any further ado, please enjoy!**

**oooo**

His name is Jonah, and he arrives six months after Ellie and Joel come home. He's nineteen, charismatic, and completely alone. ("My mom didn't make it," he says softly, "But she said there was a place I'd be safe up in these mountains.") Tommy and Maria welcome him in with open arms; he's charmed everyone—including Ellie—within an hour of arriving.

Joel doesn't like him one bit.

"Jonah plays guitar too-just like you do, Joel," Ellie says to him, and he can practically see the hearts in her eyes. It makes his skin absolutely crawl, but he does his best to shove down a sarcastic remark.

"Is that so?" he replies, keeping his tone as even as possible as he cleans his gun. Ellie seems not to notice as she continues on, "He's also got this super cool hunting rifle—he says I can try it out sometime too!"

"Rifle ammo is hard to come by, El," he says, finding it hard to keep the bite out of his voice, "You shouldn't be wastin' it by playin' around." Ellie huffs at that, crossing her arms over her chest. "We wouldn't be wasting it!"

"I beg to differ," Joel mutters under his breath, causing Ellie to roll her eyes at him. "What's your problem, Joel? Did something crawl up your ass and die or something?" He lets out an exasperated sigh before setting his gun down on the table.

"I don't trust him, Ellie," he shakes his head, "I know I'm in no place to judge others for what they've done, but he could easily be one of those bandits we've been trying to fight off for so long." Ellie opens her mouth to argue with him, but quickly shuts it again and goes silent for a few moments. "….You really don't like him at all, do you?"

"He's given me no reason to like him."

"He's also given you no reason to dislike him," Ellie points out, raising an eyebrow at him. He knows that; there's really no rational reason for him to dislike the kid so strongly, but he does regardless, and that can't be changed.

"Just promise me you'll be safe around him?" he asks, and Ellie softens at that. "Of course," she says, "I'm always careful, you know. 'Sides—I've got you to keep an eye out for me." She's right, naturally. Joel would—and has—fought through hell just to make sure Ellie was safe. That certainly wouldn't be changing any time soon.

"Still doesn't hurt to be cautious," he says gruffly, before going back to his gun. Ellie just smiles fondly at him in response.

**oooo**

A storm blows through the compound one evening, completely destroying the fence on the west side. It leaves them not only exposed to the infected, but bandits as well. They hadn't had an attack in nearly three weeks—but Joel had a feeling that would change soon.

"Hey, if you could maybe help me lift this instead of glarin' daggers at the new kid, that'd be great," Tommy huffs as he attempts to keep the piece of timber balanced on his shoulder, but Joel just scowls at him instead.

"I'm not glarin' at him, little brother," Joel replies, "I'm just keepin' an eye on him."

"Yeah, okay," Tommy snorts, "And it's got nothin' to do with how much he's hangin' 'round your girl, right?" Joel just scowls even deeper at that. Ellie practically hasn't left Jonah's side since he arrived—and it bothers Joel much more than he'd like to admit. It doesn't help that she's at his side right now, laughing at one of his stupid jokes as they help out the others.

"So what if it does?" he growls, but Tommy simply shakes his head at that. He knows better than to argue with Joel about Ellie. "Stubborn bastard," he mumbles fondly under his breath, then louder, "This thing is fuckin' heavy, Joel. Get over here and help me already!" Joel sighs in defeat before moving to help his brother. In doing so, he misses the worried look on Ellie's face as she watches him.

"What, afraid he's gonna break his back or something?" Jonah jokes, but Ellie doesn't laugh. "Oh come on, Ellie—that one was funny!" Ellie shakes her head, before looking up at Jonah and blinking in confusion. "Sorry, what did you say?" He rolls his eyes before setting down his tools.

"Alright girl, what's bothering you so badly? Is there something up between you and Joel?" Jonah wasn't really aware of the whole story between the two of them—he really only knew the basics. How they traveled together, who they lost, what they meant to each other—it was always hard to find one without the other, after all. They never really left each other's side. That being said, he was definitely becoming aware of just how grumpy Ellie and Joel could be when they were apart.

"It's nothing," Ellie shakes her head again, but refuses to meet his eyes. Jonah sighs before gently nudging her, "Hey, you do know we're friends now, right? As in, you can tell me about the stuff that's bothering you? If Joel's been causing you trouble, you just gotta say the word, I'll—well, I'd say I'd take care of it, but to be honest he scares the hell out of me." That at least manages to draw a small giggle out of Ellie, which Jonah considers to be a small success.

"It's nothing like that, no. Joel would never hurt me," Jonah knows well enough not to argue against the conviction in her voice, "And besides—Joel isn't that scary. You're just overreacting."

"I heard he drew a gun on every person that came close to you the first month you were here." The skepticism in his voice isn't exactly hard to miss.

"Okay that was _one time—_" he raises his eyebrows at her, "Alright, alright! Maybe…._roughly_ five times, but Joel's just overprotective sometimes!"

"I'd say that's a hell of an understatement," Jonah laughs softly, "Look, Ellie—whatever it is that's bothering you, you should probably talk to him about it. I'm sure he'd understand. I mean, he kinda looks at you like you hung the moon, kid. I don't think that's going to change because of whatever you have to say." She glances back at Joel, watches him as Tommy teases him and he scowls like always. She smiles; a sad, small thing. Jonah swears he can feel his own heart breaking at the sight.

"No," she says, her voice soft, "I think it's better if I don't say anything at all."

**oooo**

It all comes to a head when Joel is heading back to their cabin one evening. He's exhausted, and all he wants is a hot shower and a good night's sleep. He doesn't get that, needless to say.

As he makes his way up the steps, he can hear the familiar sound of Ellie strumming on her guitar. Tommy was rather proud of himself when he found it on one of the scavenging trips, which naturally spiraled into Ellie reminding Joel that he promised he'd teach her to play. It was frustrating at first, but Ellie caught on a lot faster than Joel thought she would—he'd be a liar if he said he wasn't damned proud of her. And, though he'd never admit it, listening to her play made him the happiest. She had a beautiful voice too, just to add on to the list of things she surprised Joel with.

"_I'm not afraid, anymore, I'm not afraid…._" Her voice is softer than usual, and the song is much slower than anything she's played before. It makes Joel pause for a moment, hesitant in a way he hasn't been in a long while.

"_Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side…._" The song blindsides him completely, feeling it coil up in his stomach like a heavy weight. There is something in his chest at first—hope, perhaps?—but it's quickly replaced with the thought that she must be singing about _Jonah_.

He can't run away fast enough. He knows he must make a hell of a noise, bolting away like a bat out of Hell—but he can't find it in himself to care if Ellie heard him or not. He just has to get as far away from there as possible. Pressing his feet to the ground, he runs harder than he ever has before.

He doesn't stop until his lungs are burning, his heart beating so wildly it may very well beat right out of his chest. Joel falls to his knees before pressing his hands against the ground, hoping to steady his spinning head. It doesn't help at all.

Joel really should have seen this coming. It was only going to be a matter of time, right? A good thing only lasts for so long.

Except Ellie is that good thing, and he's already losing her.

He should be happy for her. Happy that she's found a friend in someone closer to her age, maybe even someone to love. Jonah could be good for her, and she could be good for him, too. But just the thought itself turns Joel's vision red, anger burning in his chest like a raging inferno. And god, he should not need her this much, but Joel has always been a selfish man; he didn't know if he could change that even if he wanted to.

Fuck, he should have known. Should have known everything he loved was going to come crashing down around him because he's fucked up every good thing he's ever had. And now he was going to lose Ellie because of his sick jealousy, because he couldn't take knowing that she loved someone else, because he—

He loves her.

It's as natural as breathing to him, and an undeniable fact: Joel is in love with Ellie. The thought settles perfectly in his chest, which only sends him even further into a frenzy. God, he feels sick to his stomach. How could he possibly be alright with this? She's—she's practically a _child_, how could he ever feel right about loving her?

He needs to get away as soon as possible. He can't be around her, now that he knows exactly why he was being so terribly selfish with her. He'll have to lie through his teeth—god, he swore he'd never lie to her again—but he has to. To make sure she's safe, to make sure she's happy. Ellie and Jonah can have a good life together, he decides, as sick as it makes him feel. But it's even worse to think about staying there and having to watch it happen.

Maybe he could go back to Boston. Go back to his old life as a smuggler, if he even made it there alive. He'd just have to take that chance. _Endure and survive, right?_ He thinks bitterly to himself.

Ellie _would_ be safe and happy, he decides as he staggers to his feet.

No matter what it would take.

**oooo**

"Jesus, Joel—where the hell have you been? You had me worried sick!" Ellie ambushes him the moment he's in the door, and for a second he considers not going through with his plan at all. He'll apologize for making her worry and everything will go back to normal. Except his chest feels tight the moment he lays eyes on her, and that sick feeling in his stomach comes back with a vengeance. It's the reminder he needs keep him going, to put on a cold scowl and act as though he didn't care at all. It hurts him even worse than he imagined.

"It's not important," he says gruffly before pushing past her, making sure to keep his eyes on anything but her.

"Not _important_?!" she cries, "Tommy said you left an hour ago! I had no idea where you went, asshole—you're always yelling at _me_ about running off without telling you, so the same goes for you!"

"Yeah? Well I'm not some _kid_ that needs watchin' over constantly," his voice is sharp, cold. Ellie could swear for a minute they're right back to where they started, because he hasn't talked down to her like that since they met.

"What the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean?" She demands, stepping into his space without hesitation. He visibly recoils, as though he's been struck. "What the hell is going on with you, Joel? Did something happen to you while you were out? Is that why you're acting like such an asshole?"

_Yes_, he thinks bitterly to himself, _Something awful happened and I need to get out of here as soon as I can._

"It's none of your god damn business, Ellie," he snaps. God, he just wants this to be over already.

"Well considering you're taking it out on me for no fucking reason," she hisses, "I think I may very well have the right to know!" He can feel the anger coming off of her in waves, but he knows he has to keep pushing. Otherwise, she may not let him walk out that door. He swallows down his hesitation, clenching his fists at his side. He had to do this, he had to do it for her. He had to keep her safe.

"You want to know what's botherin' me? Fine. I'll tell you." He steels himself for a moment, before looking her in the eye, "I've decided that I'm leaving. I'm going back to Boston as soon as I can." He can tell that it blindsides her, catching her completely off guard and sends her stumbling back a few steps.

"W-Why?" she stutters out, "I thought we were doing good here, w-we can't just—just leave like that!—"

"There is no "we" this time, Ellie," he says, his voice low, "I'm going, and you're stayin' here." She doesn't move at all, doesn't say a single word. She's looking at him in complete desperation, hoping to find something—but he keeps himself as emotionless as possible, hoping she'll fall for it.

She does.

Suddenly Ellie's shoving at him, tears gathering in her eyes. "Don't you _dare_!" she screams, "Don't you _fucking_ dare say something like that! You _promised me_, you asshole! You _swore_ you'd never leave me, and now after _all of this_, you're just going to take off like I'm _nothing to you_?!" Fuck, Joel can feel his heart snapping right in half. God, he just wanted to stop—she had to know, didn't she? That he was lying?

"Look, I know we've been through Hell and back—but I think it's about time we went our separate ways—"

"_Don't you dare_," he's never heard her so angry before, her voice shaking with the absolute force of it, "Not after all we've been through. I don't know what the _fuck_ is going on with you—but you're sure as hell not leaving without me. You _saved_ me for a god damn reason, remember?" It's a punch to the gut, and Joel nearly loses his façade for a moment. He can't breathe, can't speak.

Ellie moves forward again, and Joel makes no attempt to step away. He's fucking this up royally, but he can't bring himself to speak again. Her hand is gentle as it comes to rest on his arm, and he can see the pure determination in her eyes. God, she's going to ruin him.

"Joel," she says softly, pleading, "Please just tell me what's wrong. We can fix this, I know we can." He wants to tell her that he loves her, wants to scream to the high heavens that he needs her more than anything else—but he doesn't. He grabs her wrist, takes a deep breath.

"I'll tell you what's wrong," he bites out, "I should have left you in that god damned hospital. I should have gotten out of there the moment I could have. My biggest regret is not lettin' you die that day." He lets her go, her hand dropping lifelessly to her side. Her jaw is dropped open in complete shock, her breath hitching as a sob rips itself from her lips.

She runs, slamming the screen door behind her. Joel doesn't go after her.

**oooo**

Joel is sluggishly packing his things when the radio on his hip crackles to life. He doesn't pay it any mind as he continues, his body on autopilot. He keeps hearing the sound of Ellie's sobs echo in his head, blocking out anything else.

"—_infected breaching the west wall, Tommy, you gotta get over here_!" He stops dead in his tracks. Fuck, of all the times this could have possibly happened, it had to be now.

"_We've got bandits on the east_!" Tommy's voice crackles, "_There's too many of 'em, we barely have enough men over here to hold 'em off_!"

"I've got the west side, little brother," Joel's saying over the radio before he can stop himself, "Get as many people on the east side as you can to help out."

"_Thanks, Joel_," he replies, "_Be safe, brother_." The radio goes silent after that, and Joel has no choice but to sling his rifle over his shoulder before loading the pistol on his hip. Well, if he was going back out there, this was a hell of a good time to get used to fighting again.

"Ellie, did you want to take—" he starts to say, but stops in his tracks when he realizes Ellie isn't there. Right. He made her hate him. Now he had no idea where she was, and the compound was being attacked on both sides. He hesitates for a moment, before grabbing his radio again.

"Tommy?" he says nervously, "Is Ellie there with you?"

"_Yeah_," his brother replies after a moment, "_Her n Jonah are snipin' from the tower. Hell of a shot, your girl. I forgot how good she is_."

"Mmm," he hums his agreement, a pang in his chest, "She's the best we've got. Keep an eye on her for me, will you?"

"_God damn it, Joel_," another voice crackles over, "_Can you stop being overprotective for two seconds and get the fuck down here already? I'm sure your girl can take care of herself just fine_!"

_His girl_. They keep calling her that, and every time they do it just drives the knife even deeper. Fuck, he probably wouldn't make it a mile without her by his side, but he had bigger things to worry about at the moment.

He made his way to the west fence without hesitation, saying a silent prayer in his head that it wouldn't be all that bad. The infected could be handled easily; it was the bandits he was worried about. They only seemed to be growing in numbers lately, and he sure as hell didn't like the idea of Ellie being on the front lines. He could only hope that Tommy—and Jonah—would look out for her.

"Took you fucking long enough," Elijah complains as Joel takes his spot next to him. Elijah was actually one of Joel's favorites out of the other townsfolk—he was about ten years younger than him, impatient as shit, and a terror with a shotgun. He'd earned Joel's respect pretty quickly, but he was still wary of him from time to time.

"Maybe I shouldn't have shown up at all, if you're gonna keep that attitude," Joel replies, pulling his pistol from its holster and aiming at the nearest runner. There were a few more than Joel had expected—maybe five clickers, close to fifteen runners—but it wasn't anything they couldn't handle.

"Is there actually a plan here, or are we just shootin' until there's nothing left here?" he asked, taking down another runner in the process. It was practically an automatic action at this point—aim, shoot, reload, repeat. It stopped being a conscious motion years ago.

"We just have to thin them out until we can get the temporary fence back up," he gestures towards what looks like a mangled mess of barbed wire, "There were just too many of them. Their weight brought it down, and then they started running inside. But it looks like we've got them contained to this area, for the most part."

"Good, we better keep it that way," Joel says, before muttering, "God knows the damage they could do if they got inside."

"I've got two sons at home; I'd prefer not to think about it," Elijah replies gruffly, "Duck."

"What?"

"I said _duck_, you idiot!" Joel does as he's told, Elijah's gun going off a moment later. The runner falls to the ground next to him, splattering his shoes with blood. "A little more warning would've been nice, Elijah." He says as he stands again, nudging the body away with his foot.

"Not my fault those fuckers are fast," he shrugs, turning back to the broken fence. A chorus of gunshots meet Joel's ears as they continue their battle, doing their best to keep the infected at bay. Aside from the one close encounter, not many runners managed to make it past the wreckage of the fence. The clickers are a bit harder to take down, but it's nothing Joel hasn't handled before. That clacking noise they make still sends shivers up his spine, but he keeps his gun steady and ignores it, for the most part.

"_We've got a bloater_!" One of the men in the watchtower yells, just before a spore bomb explodes against the side of it. Joel lets out a string of curses before grabbing his rifle from his back. He'd only had a few encounters with the bastards before, but they were tough as nails and didn't go down without a hell of a fight.

"Shoot it with all you've got!" Elijah yells at their others, before brandishing his shotgun and firing like mad. Joel looks around in a panic, trying to find what he needs to take this bastard down. A Molotov always did the trick, but he definitely didn't have one on him at the moment.

"Austen!" he yells, "Do you have any molotovs over there?!" The man in question ducks down behind a couple of crates as the bloater launches its spores at him. "I don't know, and I'm a little busy at the moment!"

"Well you better find out cause this isn't fuckin' workin'!" Joel takes another shot at the damned thing, but it barely clips its head. It screeches at him angrily, and Elijah curses loudly in response. "Looks like you fuckin' did it now!" The bloater reaches for another cluster of spores, but it doesn't manage to throw it before a glass bottle crashes against it, engulfing it in flames. It screams as it dies, clacking its teeth together in a panic, before finally collapsing to the ground.

"…I found one," Austen says after a moment. Joel lets out a small but relieved laugh, shaking his head at the man. "You had good timing, at least."

"_Joel? You there, brother?_" Tommy's voice comes over the radio again, but his tone immediately sets Joel on edge again.

"Yeah, I'm here. West side's secure," Joel says into the radio, before swallowing thickly, "Everything alright over on your end, little brother?" There's a rather long pause before Tommy answers again.

"_Joel, it's Ellie. She's—she's been shot_."


End file.
